Somatic sexologist Morgan Penn shares her top 10 tips for intimacy, as told to Vanessa Marshall for The House of Wellness magazine.
1. Three deep breaths
Feel into different parts of your body with your breath. Start by breathing into your heart and really noticing that space. Then, send a breath into your belly and soften it, because we tend to hold so much tension there. Take a third breath down into your genitals to connect with your internal landscape. You can gently clench and release your pelvic floor to encourage blood flow and sensation. You might be surprised to suddenly realise, “Oh – I’m actually activated down there.”
2. Follow your curiosity
Exploring what feels good – solo or with a partner – really comes back to curiosity. Show up with a willingness to experiment and embrace the clunky bits, because it will feel vulnerable at times. Let the giggles happen, allow the weirdness and stay open. It’s simply about touching the body and expressing desire: “What would it feel like if you did this… or that?” When you take the pressure out of sex and create a safe space first, everything shifts.
3. Radical honesty
Talking about sex is hard, but research shows that the people having the most sex are the ones who talk about it, outside of actually doing it. The best way to start is by saying, “Hey, I’ve got something I’d really love to chat about. It’s important to me, so just let me know when you’ve got time.” Try not to catch your partner off guard because it can be a very sensitive subject for a lot of people.
Most of us are really terrible at communicating during sexual acts. Ask questions like, “Would you like faster, slower, the same? Harder, softer, the same?” Questions like this are going to keep both partners connected and give you a good gauge of what your person’s wanting, so you both stay on the same page.
5. Mirror, mirror
Mirror work is a powerful tool for connecting with your body. I recommend this after a shower. Start with some nice body oil and, using gentle eyes, slow down and touch yourself in a neutral way. When we can slow down it’s easier to think, “Oh that’s me, that’s my body.” Use your receptors, from your fingertips to the part of your body that you’re touching. The feedback loop becomes really strong and helps to remind us that we’re in this body right now and in this moment.
6. Give your mind a job
Affirmations can be good, but unless you’re really feeling them in your body, they’re just another piece of noise in the mind. In truth, a lot of people feel stuck in their head during sex, so I say, “OK, give your mind a job. Tell that mind to focus on what feels good in this moment.” It might not be a sexual thing – it might just be that you are lying flat on a comfy bed. The more you focus on what your body’s doing, the more you’re in the experience of the body, instead of in your thinking mind.
7. Make noise
A lot of people are really quiet during sex, but the more sounds you make, the more you’re in your primal sexual body. This isn’t about fake movie noises – it could be deep breathing or anything that naturally wants to move through you. It’s the key to freedom in sex. The more we move, the more blood flows through the body, which is going to hit more feel-good places. And that breathwork is going to keep that orgasmic energy circulating around, because if you’re holding your breath, it holds in certain areas. But the more you breathe, the more your whole body softens and opens.
8. Intimate play
When it comes to sex toys, figure out what your intentions are, and the pleasure that you’re seeking. If it’s about connecting with a partner, then there are lots of great couple’s toys. For a starter, a wand is really safe because it’s a massager that you can use on the whole body. It really doesn’t matter what genital configuration you’ve got going on, it can be used on every part of the body – and if it feels good, you really can’t go wrong. If you’re going to do anything internal (or even external), lube is your number-one friend. I think poor old lube has had a pretty bad rap in the past, almost shaming women. But really, it just enhances the whole sexual experience.
9. Stop performing
I think of pleasure and sex as a playground – sometimes you’re going to be on the slide, then you might go on the swings. You’re not choosing one piece of the playground that is better than any other. You’re just trying different things for pleasure, rather than a big crescendo.
So this is what I say about performance. When we start worrying about it – how we look, how we’re ‘doing’– we slip into something that in my world we call ‘spectatoring’, and it pulls you out of the experience. You can’t be free if you’re judging every move. If you’re worried about how you look, turn the lights off so you can stay present with the sensations.
10. Laugh
People get really serious about sex, but in reality it’s awkward, bodies make noises and someone will get cramp in their leg or need a drink of water. If you can laugh, it really helps to melt shame and tension. Try to remember to embrace the humour, because sex works best when everyone’s having a good time!