Sofie Louise is a trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women to access more desire, pleasure and radiance in the bedroom.
OPINION: Breaking up over sex might initially sound like an overreaction to you. Like, surely there’s another solution. But there is a point where it’s reasonable to end even a years-long relationship with an otherwise adoring and attentive partner (who might share kids and assets with you) over what’s happening in the bedroom.
But how do you know when you’ve reached that point?
The main sex-related problem that takes relationships to the brink of breaking (and beyond) is mismatched desire. If you’re the high-libido partner, you feel lonely and rejected each time your advances are turned down, wondering whether your partner’s even attracted to you any more. If you’re the low-libido partner, you probably feel constant pressure to ignore your boundaries and give in to what your partner seems to always want more of: sex.
That being said, your struggle might look different. Maybe your partner never goes down on you, and you’re left wondering if they’re more selfish than you realised. Maybe they get defensive when you give them feedback in bed, or their pushy side comes out when they’re in the mood.
Regardless, you’ve been wondering whether the stress and hurt of it all can only be fixed by cutting ties and finding someone new.
It’s never going to be an easy decision. Waiting until you feel 100% certain will probably mean you’re waiting forever.
But there are three steps you can take to get clearer on what the best choice is for you.
Change how you bring it up
I can only assume (read: hope and pray) that you’ve tried talking to your partner about this before. But if you’re reading this, I’m guessing they either nodded, agreed and then never changed anything, or the conversation turned defensive, voices were raised, and you were left feeling certain they still don’t get how you feel.
But communicating about sex isn’t a one-and-done fix. Both talking and listening are skills most of us never learned. So if you’ve tried bringing it up before to no avail, that doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t get better results if you try again with a different approach or tone of voice, for example.
A couple’s counsellor can help with this. They can facilitate the conversation, ensure both sides are heard, and give you the tools that will hopefully make this and all future chats go a bit more smoothly.
Get creative with your solution
Okay, so you’ve tried talking, and nothing changed. Before you jump straight to breaking up, there are other, less obvious (and less extreme) solutions you can try first.
Say you’re struggling because your partner doesn’t seem to want sex with you, no matter what you do.
If it’s the physical pleasure you’re missing most, can you create indulgent self-pleasure experiences so you can meet this need yourself? Is exploring a polyamorous relationship an option for you and your partner? Is your partner open to platonic touch like exchanging massages?
If it’s the deep sense of connection you got from sex that you’re missing, how else can you engineer that feeling of closeness with your partner? Could more compliments, date nights, or shared experiences help you feel seen and desired?
The “problem” often isn’t actually sex. What you’re craving is usually something deeper, like feeling seen, safe, respected, or any number of other totally valid and human needs. Once you can identify this, you can get creative about how you can create it without having to call it quits.
The last resort: breaking up
If your relationship is otherwise happy, breaking up should be your last resort. You don’t want to walk away from your soulmate only to later regret not giving things one more try.
That’s why the first thing to ask yourself before doing this is: do you truly believe you’ve tried everything you reasonably can? Have you read books about sex and been to therapy and planned date nights and scheduled sex and felt your emotions?
Have you seen any effort from your partner to meet you halfway? Changing habits takes time and effort, and sometimes slip ups happen along the way. But also, sometimes people have no intention of changing.
And if that’s the case, how would it impact you to keep experiencing this same situation for years to come?
Is the pain of staying bigger than the positives of the relationship?
No one can answer these questions for you. But it’s important to remember that it is okay to leave a relationship because of sex. The impact of an unfulfilling sex life can run deep and rid you of your happiness, your self-esteem, and your sense of being loved.
Recognizing that isn’t failing. It’s giving yourself the opportunity to find something more.